North Star Mental Fitness Blog

Action: Knowledge, Expectation, Acceptance and Recognition with out Action Fails

Oftentimes, our cars need gas at the most inconvenient times.  It does not matter where you are going or why.  When your car is empty or approaches emptiness, there is a sense of urgency that takes priority over all of your plans and goals.  You must find a gas station.

Have you noticed that you or your significant other, oftentimes, are empty or approach emptiness at the most inconvenient times?

Have you ever wondered why we did not have the same sense of urgency to satisfy our or our significant other's wants and needs?  Probably our significant others would not know what to do, if we put on hold our important plans in order to be sensitive to the wants and needs of our spouses and children.

We must act to self-actualize ourselves by pursuing our wants and needs and goals.

We also must become sensitive and responsive to our significant other's wants, needs and goals, whenever they are empty or approach emptiness.

Knowing our significant others have wants and needs is not enough for having good relationships. 

Expecting, accepting and recognizing, on a daily basis, our significant others are empty or signaling emptiness is not enough for having satisfying and sensitive relationships.

Action is necessary but what kind of action?

1.  Listening and by listening you communicate that your significant others are important and you trust their ability to manage their lives.

2. Communicating your nurturing feelings and values regarding your significant others.

3.  Keeping promises.

4. Independently and consistently assuming responsibilities and chores necessary for your relationship to survive.

5. Paying attention without making judgments and demeaning comments.

Remember, it is normal for you and your significant others to become empty at the most inconvenient times. I hope that this series will help you become more responsive to your wants and needs and the wants and needs of your significant others.

Remember, You Will Live within the Relationships Created by Your Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

The other posts in regard to emptiness and signals of emptiness are:

1. If You Can Drive a Car, You Can Have Satisfying and Sensitive Relationships!
2. Knowledge: Do You Really Know?
3. Expectations: What Do You Expect?
4. Expectations: What to Expect in Your Relationships?
5. Identify Signals; Not Problems; Not Symptoms!
6. Acceptance: Can You Really Accept?
7. Recognition: Expectation and Acceptance without Recognition Fails

Acceptance: Can You Really Accept?

Can you accept what you don't like in your husband or wife?  Are you willing to accept what you don't like instead of expecting your spouse to change?

Oftentimes, what we don't like in our relationships or our partners are signals of emptiness! 

Most of time we wish that we would not have to deal with the disgusting, frightening and obnoxious signals of emptiness in our spouses or ourselves.  We expect

Expectations: What to Expect In Your Relationships?

Remember when you heard the wedding bells?  What expectations do you have for your marriage?  You were in love and undoubtedly had expectations for an exciting, passionate and long lasting relationship.  Didn't you expect your chosen one to be happy most of the time?  Didn't  you expect him or her to wake up with a lot of energy and passion, only to be disappointed or frustrated?

Remember, when you had your first job or the job of your dreams?  What expectations did you have for your work associates?  Didn't  you expect them to appreciate your work and validate you as a worker?  Weren't you poorly prepared to experience indifference, rejection and criticism from your boss or coworkers?

Remember when you began having children?  Remember how excited you were to have your children.  Although you may have never consciously thought about it, what expectations did you have for your children?  Did youexpect our children to be free from problems, develop normally and do well in all they do?  Most of us did not expect our children to have developmental difficulties, learning problems, social problems or behavioral problems.

Most of us have expectations full of the excitement, anticipated happiness and idealism when we begin a new relationship.  Oftentimes, our expectations are not realistic and practical.  Even after being in relationships for a considerable period of time, our expectations remain unrealistic and as a result we experience unnecessary emotional pain, anger and disappointment.

Our expectations regarding the important people in our lives would become more realistic, practical and functional, if we were to apply our knowledge about the fuel system in a car to our relationships.  With a car we know that the car will have times when the gas tank approaches empty and we expect our cars to become empty and give us empty signals on a regular basis.  Especially after we had been driving our cars, we expect our cars to become empty.

Do we have the expectation that the important people in our lives will be empty on a regular basis and this is normal?  How much better would our relationships become if we expected our significant others to have times of fullness and emptiness on a regular basis? 

 Our relationships would be much better if we expected our significant others to have signals of emptiness, when they are empty.  Most people respond to the signals of emptiness from our significant others as problems, symptoms, personality weaknesses or dysfunctional, learned behavior from one's family of origin. 

Signals of emptiness are not problems, symptoms, personality weaknesses or dysfunctional behavior from past relationships!  If we mis-read and fail to understand that signals of emptiness are only signals, then these missed signals can result in problems, symptoms, personality weaknesses or dysfunctional behavior.

Wouldn't your relationship with your wife become much better, if you interpreted "nagging", headaches, and irritability as signals of emptiness rather than as criticism, problems and deficiencies in your wife?

Wouldn't your relationship with your husband become much better, if you interpreted his anger, poor listening ability and emotional coldness as signals of emptiness rather than as problems, rejection, insensitivity, and a lack of love?

Wouldn't your relationships with your boss or fellow employees become better, if you interpreted their hostile, insensitive and different responses to you as indicating their signals of emptiness rather than as demeaning or criticizing you?

Wouldn't your relationships with your children improve immensely if you interpreted their problems, defiance, disobedience and emotional instability as signals of emptiness rather than concluding that they are bad, spoiled, ungrateful and self-centered?

Let us focus on accepting the reality of emptiness in our significant others.  Let us expect all of our significant others to sometimes be empty and have signals of emptiness.  Having appropriate and realistic expectations for our significant others will significantly reduce our conflicts with our significant others.  Our significant others will not feel pressured, judged, criticized and demeaned if we change our expectations.

Remember, We Live within the Relationships Created by Our Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

Knowledge! Do You Really Know?

If you can drive a car, you have the ability to have a good self-concept and form satisfying and sensitive relationships!

We automatically goes through many psychological processes effortlessly when it comes to understanding the importance of fuel and reading signals when it comes to driving a car.  It may surprise you how many psychological processes we successfully apply in interpreting what our car's need.

Fight the Giants in Your Life

There are giants in all of our lives.  The Giants that we face take many forms.  For some it is declining health.  For others it may be the economy; lost jobs, failed mortgages or depreciated savings.  For others it may be big bgovernment or political pressures and fears.  For others it may be relationship conflicts or concerns regarding your children.  For some it may be obtaining an education, finding a job, grieving the loss of a loved one or finding a new relationship.

Everyone has Giants in their lives.  Remember the opening scene from the movie "Troy".  Achilles  faced the Giant Thessalonian.  Everyone feared the Giant except for Achilles.  Remember the conversation with a small child, who questioned the wisdom of fighting the Giant.  The child was afraid to face the Giant and Achilles responded "that is why you will not be remembered".

Remember the story about David and Goliath.  Even when we feel that we can't defeat the Giants in our life, it is important to stand up and fight.  The Giants may be overwhelming.  We may think that what we can do is insignificant.  Even though we feel beaten down, we must not quit and give up.  We must rise up from our doubts, fears and anxiety.

We must become stronger than the Giants in our lives.  We must stand up and face our problems and find solutions.  We must leave a successful legacy for ourselves, family and society.  We must do whatever is necessary to take care of ourselves and defeat the Giants in our lives.

CJ Lee wrote a very interesting commentary regarding Achilles defeat of the Thessalonian Giant.  He entitled his post "Live Life without Regrets".  CJ realized that problems are really opportunities.  He wrote:

"Once in a lifetime opportunities should not be hampered by fear. They should be embraced with positive thinking, will, and determination. This does not ensure that everything will go right every time, but you will certainly live a life without regret, because you were not afraid to pull the trigger. Doing things that will last forever separates you from others, and to do something that will last forever is probably the greatest opportunity a human can get."

Defeating the Giants in your life, will not only solve the immediate problems in your life, it will also make you stronger and you will leave a wonderful legacy for those who follow. 

Remember, You Live within the Environment Created by Your Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

 

Living in a Recession

Recession is here.  We do not know what will happen tomorrow, let alone today.  There seem to be so many major forces controlling the economy of the entire world.  The major question is how do we survive psychologically as well as financially.

The North Star Mental Fitness Program has 15 major strategies for coping with recession.  The strategies can give you hope.  The strategies will allow you to be free and independent.  The strategies will allow you to overcome feeling emotionally devastated as you loose your homes, jobs, finances and savings.  The strategies can become tools for making your life decisions; big or small.  The strategies can help you learn to take care herself in all situations, even in a recession.

                                            THE 15 STRATEGIES

OF THE NORTH STAR MENTAL FITNESS PROGRAM AND

I LIVE WITHIN THE ENVIRONMENT CREATED

BY MY CHOICES

1.  THE FREEDOM CHOICE:  How to become free from your past and present                                                  

                                                       problems.

2.  THE RIGHT CHOICE:  Procedure to change thoughts, feelings, behavior,

                                          relationships, activities and external circumstances.

3.  THE WAKE UP CHOICE:  Identification of your wants, needs and what you need                       

                                                      to do to take care of you and be successful.

4.  THE BIG CHOICE:  Procedure and criteria for caring for you.

5.  THE POWER CHOICE:  Three step procedure for success and successful caring for

                                                  you.

6.  THE RESPONSIBLE CHOICE:  Procedure for managing frustrations.

7.  THE TURN AROUND CHOICE:  Procedure to stop “messing up”.

8.  THE CHECK POINT CHOICE:  Procedure to monitor and evaluate your choices.

                                                

 9.  THE TIME CHOICE:  Purpose and procedure for living in the present.  

                                       

10.  THE RELATIONSHIP CHOICE:  Procedure for heartwarming relationships.                                                                  

11.  THE RELATIONSHIP TURN AROUND CHOICE:  Procedure to stop “messing          

                                                                                                  up” in your relationships.

 

12.  THE CHILD CHOICE:  Having fun, spontaneous emotions and activities.

13.  THE ADULT CHOICE:  Making logical, practical and rational decisions.

14.  THE PARENT CHOICE:  Being a good parent to yourself.

15.  THE LETTING GO CHOICE:  Procedure for letting go of “messing up,” guilt and        

                                                               painful emotions.  

                                                           

With these 15 mental fitness strategies, you can emotionally survive and thrive in difficult times like today's financial world.  With the strategies you can psychologically prepare yourself to make successful decisions in your financial life.  I urge you to seek financial guidance from experts.  With the mental fitness program and financial guidance from the export of your choice, you can begin to live in a thriving environment.

 

If you are interested in purchasing these programs, please e-mail me.

 

Remember, You Live within the Environment Created by Your Choices!

 

Dr. Hal

 

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

 

 

 

Sudden Change

Adversity in Life is inevitable.  Although we know there will be problems in life, we still can be easily devastated and discouraged when unexpected problems burst into our horizon and create chaos in our lives.

"Sudden Change was our term for how we respond to unexpected problems"

explained Bo Schembechler, the very successful coach for so many years at the University of Michigan.  "Turn Mistakes into Momentum" was a chapter in Bo Schembechler and John U. Bacon's book, "Bo's Lasting Lessons; The Legendary Coach Teaches the Timeless Fundamentals of Leadership".

Do you want to turn your mistakes and adversities into momentum for success?  Then read what Bo taught his players about Sudden Change.

Toxic Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a wonderful virtue.  As indicated in my previous blog, Forgiveness Is a Choice, there can be health and psychological benefits from forgiving people whose behavior has been harmful or disrespecting.  We have choices to feel angry or hurt.  We also can make the choice to forgive.

Forgiveness also can be very toxic to one's health.  Forgiveness becomes toxic, when forgiveness is part of a dysfunctional relationship.  Forgiveness becomes toxic, when forgiveness prevents or replaces constructive action to improve the quality of one's life.  Sometimes it feels safer to forgive someone rather than to confront another person or drastically change one's life.

Let me explain the importance of feeling angry and hurt.

Forgiveness Is a Choice

When your focus is on taking care of yourself, you'll have real choices to feel angry and hurt or you can make the choice to forgive.  It is important for you to determine in he specific situations whether it's best for you to remain angry and hurt or to forgive.

There are benefits that derive from being angry and hurt just like there are benefits that derive from forgiving.

I read an article from Newswise entitled "Learning to Forgive May Improve Well-Being".  This article appeared in Mayo Clinic Women's Health Source. 

Newswise wrote "Holding a grudge appears to affect the cardiovascular and nervous systems".  Other research findings were also reported.

Change Perception And Change Reality

The secret to resolving marital conflict or relationship conflict is for both people to change their perception.  If they are able to change their perception, they will be able to change reality.

I talked to a couple, who focused on changing reality.  He had an interest in pornography.  He thought his interest in pornography was harmless.  His wife perceived his interest in pornography as a violation of trust and commitment.  She was very distrustful and hurt.  He was feeling controlled and misunderstood.

In order to continue their relationship, she insisted that he remove pornography from his computer and life.  Their attempt to change the reality of their relationship without changing their perceptions failed miserably.

I asked them to identify and share their