North Star Mental Fitness Blog

Sudden Change

Adversity in Life is inevitable.  Although we know there will be problems in life, we still can be easily devastated and discouraged when unexpected problems burst into our horizon and create chaos in our lives.

"Sudden Change was our term for how we respond to unexpected problems"

explained Bo Schembechler, the very successful coach for so many years at the University of Michigan.  "Turn Mistakes into Momentum" was a chapter in Bo Schembechler and John U. Bacon's book, "Bo's Lasting Lessons; The Legendary Coach Teaches the Timeless Fundamentals of Leadership".

Do you want to turn your mistakes and adversities into momentum for success?  Then read what Bo taught his players about Sudden Change.

Toxic Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a wonderful virtue.  As indicated in my previous blog, Forgiveness Is a Choice, there can be health and psychological benefits from forgiving people whose behavior has been harmful or disrespecting.  We have choices to feel angry or hurt.  We also can make the choice to forgive.

Forgiveness also can be very toxic to one's health.  Forgiveness becomes toxic, when forgiveness is part of a dysfunctional relationship.  Forgiveness becomes toxic, when forgiveness prevents or replaces constructive action to improve the quality of one's life.  Sometimes it feels safer to forgive someone rather than to confront another person or drastically change one's life.

Let me explain the importance of feeling angry and hurt.

Forgiveness Is a Choice

When your focus is on taking care of yourself, you'll have real choices to feel angry and hurt or you can make the choice to forgive.  It is important for you to determine in he specific situations whether it's best for you to remain angry and hurt or to forgive.

There are benefits that derive from being angry and hurt just like there are benefits that derive from forgiving.

I read an article from Newswise entitled "Learning to Forgive May Improve Well-Being".  This article appeared in Mayo Clinic Women's Health Source. 

Newswise wrote "Holding a grudge appears to affect the cardiovascular and nervous systems".  Other research findings were also reported.

Change Perception And Change Reality

The secret to resolving marital conflict or relationship conflict is for both people to change their perception.  If they are able to change their perception, they will be able to change reality.

I talked to a couple, who focused on changing reality.  He had an interest in pornography.  He thought his interest in pornography was harmless.  His wife perceived his interest in pornography as a violation of trust and commitment.  She was very distrustful and hurt.  He was feeling controlled and misunderstood.

In order to continue their relationship, she insisted that he remove pornography from his computer and life.  Their attempt to change the reality of their relationship without changing their perceptions failed miserably.

I asked them to identify and share their

The Power of Accepting or Not Accepting Frustrations

Accepting or not accepting frustrations are very powerful choices that will determine the direction and quality of your life.

In my last post, I talking about The Power of Expecting Frustrations in Relationships.  When we expect there will be frustrations in our relationships, it is easier to make choices to accept or not accept specific frustrations. 

In a previous post I talked about The Power of Accepting Differences.  Sometimes the differences between people are frustrating.  However, there are many frustrations in relationships that are not associated with or caused by differences in personality, sexuality or previous learning experience.

From my perspective, is extremely important for people to make choices about what frustrations they will accept or won't accept in order to have good mental health and fitness.  Too often, I've talked with people who would not make a decision and stick to it regarding accepting or rejecting frustrations.

What would you do in these three situations?

The Power of Expecting Frustrations in Relationships

Expecting Frustrations in Relationships - Is a Basic Reality for Happiness in Relationships!

All relationships will have frustrations.  The frustrations are just different for different people.  The solution is not to be a loner as a way of avoiding relationship frustrations.  For being a loner also will have its frustrations.

It doesn't take very long for a person in a relationship to know there will be frustrations.  Nevertheless, most people react to relationship frustrations as if they should not be present in loving relationships.  Wrong!

Even in loving relationships, frustrations always exist.

How can people work through frustrations in relationships, so there is less emotional pain, misunderstanding, alienation, marital conflict, familial dysfunction, midlife crisis or divorce?

Nothing Is As Bad As It Seems

"Nothing is as good as it seems.  Nothing is as bad as it seems.  Reality is somewhere in between."  Lou Holtz made this statement in talking about Notre Dame's dismal start to the 2007 season.

There is no doubt that Notre Dame has played poorly this year.  Lou Holtz is a veteran coach.  What a wonderful message to give to a struggling team.  "Nothing is as bad as it seems" is a message of hope and encouragement.

Too often we engage in catastrophic thinking.  Life sometime seems so overwhelming.  We struggle to cope with the recurring stresses in our lives.  We feel stuck in circumstances that seem overbearing.  We tried everything and nothing seems to work.  We feel defeated.  Personality conflicts endure. Misunderstandings and insensitivities abound.  Losses in life accumulate.  Maybe it's a job loss or declining health.  Maybe it's a death of someone close to you.  Maybe it's an illness of a child or family member.  Maybe its financial or spiritual.  Maybe it's called midlife crisis, divorce, bankruptcy, cancer.

We are convinced it's as bad as it seems.

No! No! No! Don't Do That!

No! No! No! Don't Do That! 

His mother told him that, after an older brother had impregnated his girlfriend.  He recalled, that his mother never wanted him to associate with girls.  He was not able to play with girls during his childhood.  When he began dating, his mother ridiculed him in front of friends and relatives.

This young boy now is an adult and married with grown children and grandchildren.  He married a woman  with a similar family background.  His wife also was raised with the message, No! No! No! Don't Do That!

I first met this man, because he was suffering from lifelong anxiety.  His anxiety was controlling his life and interfering with his ability to work.  The effect of his anxiety on his life was the old parental message, No! No! No! Don't Do That! 

Affirmation of Your Values Can Reduce Stress

Recent research has validated the importance of values and strong self- resources in reducing stress.  I love it when research validates the beliefs and practices of practitioners like myself. 

In the 1980s I wanted to improve people's mental fitness by teaching 15 choices or tools for solving life's problems.  The goal was to provide strong self-resources for coping with the stresses and problems in everyday living.  Repetition of the choices makes people stronger and strong enough to overcome the stresses in their life. 

Communicating values was perceived to be the best way for creating satisfying and sensitive relationships as well as reducing and repairing conflicts in relationships.  The Relationship Choice was the procedure to follow for  unleashing the healing power of values in relationships.

Read on to find out more about the research.

Are You a Helicopter Parent?

Helicopter Parenting

Are you a helicopter parent?  "What Kind of Helicopter Parent Are You?" was the name of an article from St. Joseph's University reported in Newswise.

Newswise reported "Much attention has been given recently to "helicopter parents" so named because of their tendency to hover overhead of their children."

Cary Anderson, Ed.D., the university's vice president of student life, humorously and seriously identified three types of "helicopter parents".

Let me tell you about the three types of "helicopter parents".