North Star Mental Fitness Blog

How Many Successes Do You Need Before You Can Conclude You Are Successful

Recently I talked to a middle-aged woman, who was asked to take a position in a large business.  In order to take this advancement, she had to go way beyond her comfort zone.  A hard-working woman with limited work experience, she openly questioned her ability to succeed.

Every day she did the best she could.  At first she was really overwhelmed, but she still applied herself.  She succeeded on a daily basis for over a year.  She was shocked, when she was asked to take a position with even more responsibility.

She once again agreed to take the new position and hoped that she could be successful.  She has now had two years of successes.  She has had over 730 days of successes.

I think she was shocked when I asked her if she considered herself to be successful.  I don't believe she had ever concluded that "I am a success".

Boren Divorces Michigan Football Team

Divorces and blending family issues occur in sports as well in families.  Lloyd Carr resigned as coach of the U of Michigan football team and most of his coaches were not rehired.  Some players including potential stars left the team.  Justin Boren and his team remained with their mother, the U of Michigan.

Problems really started brewing when the new step-father, Rich Rodriquez divorced West Virginia to take over the leadership role at U of M.  Even now, Coach Rod is still in the middle of a very messy divorce from West Virginia with the unfortunate allegations and legal entanglements common in divorce. 

The mother or U of M football hired Coach Rod to change the culture and family values at the U of M.  Too many losses to Ohio State, underdogs liked Appalachian State, spread offenses and bowl games.  Like so many sons and daughters in families of divorce, Justin Boren and some of his teammates did not like the new father figure changing the family dynamics and culture.  Coach Rod has become the "evil step-father" pushing the mother's "lax children" to greater achievement through hard work, strict rules and new expectations.

Justin like many children in divorce has verbally acted-out and ran away from home.   

Reminiscing about Mental Fitness

He was reminiscing about what he had learned in 35 years of being a manager in an auto factory.  Also he has been married more than 35 years, has two grown children and two grandchildren.  During his life he has wrestled with anxiety and panic. 

In spite of his anxiety and panic, he was able to identify that he has "inner strength".  Adjusting and coping with problems on an everyday basis has made him a much stronger person.

He has learned how to successfully take care of himself, which is the object of mental fitness and mental health.  He reported that he has learned two very important things about taking care of himself.  He has learned that:

I Empowered Myself!

Self-doubt and lacking confidence are often experienced by people, who reenter the world of employment after an illness or raising their children. 

Such was the mindset of this middle-aged women. She has raised her children.  Now, she has been successful in her job, but her perceptions of herself have lagged behind her accomplishments.  She struggled with accepting her success and the benefits of her success.

She thought she didn't deserve good things.  She felt she didn't deserve the accolades and consequences from being successful.

She realized that there was a golden ring in front of her.  She always has been ambivalent about reaching for the ring of opportunity and success. She knew it was there, but she just couldn't reach out for this ring of success.  She worried and was fearful she couldn't measure up.  So she remained in an inhibited and fearful comfort zone.

Visualizing Success

Visualizing success opens the window of opportunity for success.  The Law of Attraction can be actualized in your life by thinking thoughts and visualizing your life as successful.

Tiger Woods, one of the most famous and successful professional golfers emphasized the importance of visualization in these words:

"Every Time I Play, In My Own Mind I Am The Favorite"!

Change Perception And Change Reality

The secret to resolving marital conflict or relationship conflict is for both people to change their perception.  If they are able to change their perception, they will be able to change reality.

I talked to a couple, who focused on changing reality.  He had an interest in pornography.  He thought his interest in pornography was harmless.  His wife perceived his interest in pornography as a violation of trust and commitment.  She was very distrustful and hurt.  He was feeling controlled and misunderstood.

In order to continue their relationship, she insisted that he remove pornography from his computer and life.  Their attempt to change the reality of their relationship without changing their perceptions failed miserably.

I asked them to identify and share their

Can People Be Addicted to Feelings?

Feelings: One of my clients asked me a very surprising question.  She is an attractive, very intelligent woman who has just gone through a painful separation.  Her ex-boyfriend has made it painfully obvious that he has moved on in his life with another woman.  During their relationship, he sometimes treated her very badly.

With tears in her eyes, she said "I love him".  In spite of everything that he has done to her, she feels that she still loves him.  In spite of all of the support and encouragement of her friends and family to accept the breakup, she still loves him.

A little later she asked the question.  A very profound question.  A question I never thought about before.  She asked "can people be addicted to feelings"?

A Review of 6 articles: for Breaking Bad Habits

It is time again to make New Year's resolutions.  At this time of year, we are motivated to Break Bad Habits.  In order to help you make resolutions for breaking bad habits, I have reviewed the following blogs.

Adam Voiland of U.S. News and World Report explained why we make bad choices even when we know better in his article, "Want to Break a Bad Habit?  Try This".  Adam explained that we sometimes make bad choices because we want immediate gratification and do what is easiest.  He wrote the answer is to "build systems into your life that reward healthy choices or make healthy choices more convenient than unhealthy choices". 

Adam encouraged us to not forbid ourselves or others from making bad choices and to not punish ourselves or others for making bad choices.  "We know, in fact, stress and negative emotions often lead to things like binge eating, drug relapse and emotional buying.  Incentives work much better."  I believe Adam's ideas are excellent ways to neutralize the effects of the "innate human defiance,"  which was listed as one of the reasons "Why It's so Hard to Break Bad Habits," which was an article written by Jeanna Bryer for Fox News.com.

50 Quotations on Courage

"All of our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them."  Walt Disney is the author of this quotation.  This is a wonderful quotation in anticipation of the New Year!

Courage cannot be separated from success, satisfying relationships and the experience of happiness and freedom.

Mental fitness and courage are inseparable for coping with both adversity and success.  With mental fitness, one has the thought processes, mental training and commitment to courageously reach goals and overcome adversity as well as the complacency, oftentimes, accompanying success.

In anticipation of the new year, I want to share with you these 50 quotations on courage from Brainy Quote.

1-2-3, Here I Come!

1-2-3, Here I Come, Ready or Not! 

Remember the fun we had playing the childhood game, hide and go seek?  As I was talking to one of my clients yesterday, her dilemma reminded me of "1-2-3, Here I Come, Ready or Not"! 

Let me tell you briefly about her story.