North Star Mental Fitness Blog

How Important Are Grandparents?

From a sociological perspective, more and more grandparents are spending their golden years taking care of their grandchildren.  In many societies, grand parenting is a vital part of the family structure.  In our highly mobile society, grandparents are not involved within the family structure.  In our highly disposable society, grandparents may also become disposable.

At least, sometimes, grandparents feel as if there is an expiration date on their relationship with their grandchildren.  Grandparents may feel insecure in their place within the family structure.  They may question their importance.  Some grandparents are fearful of over-extending their boundaries and fearful of self-actualizing in their role as a grandparent.

In the last few weeks, I've been talking to a man who has been extremely concerned about his grandson.  This grandfather had  bonded with his grandson and now does not have any contact with his grandson.  This grandfather made a very difficult decision.  His daughter was abusing drugs.  He confronted his daughter.  Since she was resistant to entering substance abuse treatment, he asked her to leave his home.  She took her son and has refused any contact between her son and the grandfather.  

I have also been talking to a man who has been a wife's nightmare.  He has been a serial cheater.  Analysis of his childhood indicated that he was always fearful of his mother removing him from his grandmother.  He perceived his grandmother as loving him.  He became fearful of forming close relationships.  His wife became like his grandmother.  He knew his wife loved him.  Whenever there was potential conflict, he ran away from his wife into another relationship.

As I thought about these two men, I began thinking about the importance of grand parenting.  Grand parenting can provide psychological security, love, values and stability for grandchildren.  Grand parenting can definitely assist parents in raising their children.

I ask you, how important is grand parenting in your family?  Is it important for you to have grandparents play a crucial role in raising your children?  It is important for your  children's grandparents to feel secure, spontaneous and free to be themselves with your children?

Remember, We Live WIthin the Families Created by Our Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

Why You Should Encourage Your Wife or Girlfriend to Buy Shoes!

Have you ever noticed that women like to buy shoes.  Dr. Daniel Amen explained why women like to buy shoes and why man should encourage women to buy shoes in his Brain Health Report for October of 2009.

Mental Blindness

At the North Star Mental Fitness Blog, I wrote a post regarding change blindness.  Change blindness refers to our difficulty with perceiving visual changes, when we are briefly distracted.

Mental blindness is also possible.  Let me explain what I mean by mental blindness.  Neurolinguistic theory hypothesizes that we have a "reproduction" of the world in our head.  Our psychic perception of the world is, oftentimes, out of sync with the external world.  The external world always has much more opportunities and possibilities for change than the psychic re-creation of the world in our head.

Our psychic re-creation of the world is motivated to not change and maintain its existence.  It is hypothesized that the psychic re-creation of the world operates on three principles.

1. Integrate:  Whatever perceptions, feelings or information that are consistent with the psychologically created perception of the world are allowed access into the psychologically created world and are used to validate psychological perception of the world.
2. Delete:  Whatever perceptions, feelings or information that are inconsistent with the psychologically created perception of the world are deleted and denied access into the psychologically created perception of the world.
3. Distort:  Whatever perceptions, feelings or information that are inconsistent with the mindset of the world and have have not been deleted are twisted or distorted.  The inconsistent information is depreciated and a negated through the process of distortion.

These three unconscious processes can make us mentally blind to changes within our lives.  Our perceptions of people will be resistant to change once we have drawn our conclusions about them.  Our perception of life will be resistant to change.

Information that will challenge our belief system and values will fail to register in our minds, if the information is not consistent with our belief system and values.  We will tend to distort other people's different and inconsistent beliefs and values in order to make them fit into our mindset.

Unconsciously, maintaining a resistant psychological perception of the world in our heads is motivated to provide psychological security and stability.  Unfortunately, these unconscious processes prevent change and growth.  Unfortunately, these unconscious processes will prevent us from recognizing external danger and the limitations in our perception of the world.

We need to be extremely aware of how our unconscious mind will limit us or blind us.  We must pay attention to new information and changes around us in order to be adaptive, safe and growing. 

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

Stretching

Lately, I've learned to appreciate the importance of stretching.  Struggling with a problem with  my Achilles tendon, I have learned the importance of stretching.  Stretching can reduce pain.  Stretching allows me to move and do things.  Without stretching, I imagine my life would become much more sedentary and unsatisfactory.

I read an interesting post on stretching entitled "The Most Important Thing to Do: Stretching".  Alvin Soon from Life Coaches Blog wrote:

"Stretching is the act of doing something that you know is good for you and/or good for others and it scares you". 

Stretching is necessary for for both physical and psychological reasons.  Psychologically, we all grow when we stretch and go beyond our perceived limitations or leave our comfort zone.  Making new changes in our lives may beeasier to do, if we consider it as "merely stretching".  If we do not stretch, we do not grow.

Alvin pointed out "your comfort zone is also your zone of power.  The more things in your life you get under your ability to handle, the wider your zone, the richer and greater your life becomes. A bigger comfort zone usually comes with a bigger sense of self-confidence, self-trust, more life experience, and a snowballing effect as you grow to want to grow even more."

Stretch!  Start stretching and become the person you've always wanted to be!

Three Ways of Thinking about Time

How you think about time is extremely relevant as we live in such changing times.  One of my clients shared these three ideas with me.  His ideas were:

1. Be cognizant of your past,


2. Live in the present, and


3. Adapt to the future.

I liked these three ideas.  Too often we allow our past to consciously or unconsciously determine our present, rather than just recognizing our past.  Too often we fail to live in the present due to worry, anxiety or depression.  Too often we fail to realize that life is continually changing and we must adapt in the future.

I believe that this would be a good guide for people to follow as they progress through the various stages of life.  I believe that these ideas are also a good guide for coping with aging and the problems of changing health.

Acceptance: Can You Really Accept?

Can you accept what you don't like in your husband or wife?  Are you willing to accept what you don't like instead of expecting your spouse to change?

Oftentimes, what we don't like in our relationships or our partners are signals of emptiness! 

Most of time we wish that we would not have to deal with the disgusting, frightening and obnoxious signals of emptiness in our spouses or ourselves.  We expect

Is the Stimulus package Stimulating Learned Helplessness?

President Obama acknowledged an "astounding" number of job losses in February.  In spite of the numerous signs confirming our declining economy, President Barack Obama believes his $787 billion economic recovery plan is saving jobs.  President Obama wants us to believe, "I know we did the right thing."  These quotations are from Darlene Supeville, an Associate Press Writer.  Darlene wrote an article entitled Obama on stimulus, "I know we did the right thing".

We know the intended purpose of the stimulus plan was to save jobs and resurrect our economy.  Psychologically, one would hope that the stimulus plan would empower people to become self-confident, self-determined and committed to actualize their psychological and vocational abilities.

If the stimulus plan is creating learned helplessness,

New Year's Quitting

Quitting New Year's resolutions is something you did not want to happen, but very likely has occurred or will occur.  Most people give up on their New Year's resolutions before the end of February.

Why does this happen?  It is not an accident that people quit!  At The Positivity Blog, there was a very interesting posting on "Do you make these 7 mistakes when trying to keep your New Year's resolutions"?

These seven mistakes are:

1. You really don't want it that much.
2. You can use homeostasis with "time to give up".
3. You don't know how to handle your bad days.
4. You're not changing your environment to suit you.
5. You don't have a realistic plan and expectations.
6. You're focusing on too many resolutions at once.
7. You let temporary failure or mistakes lead to giving up completely. 

Can you see yourself making these mistakes?  These mistakes are all reflective of a stronger motivational pattern.  This motivational pattern can best be summarized as "we wanted to quit".

No matter how desirable and worthwhile your New Year's resolution may be, there will be a very strong power inside of you that wants to quit.

We need to accept the normalcy of wanting to quit.   We need to not deny the reality of our wanting to quit doing the things that are good for us.  We need to confront our motivation for quitting.

The desire for quitting will take many forms, such as the seven mistakes listed above and probably many, many more.

Give yourself freedom to quit and then decide whether you want to quit or not.  The motive to quit will be as strong as the motive to actualize your New Year's resolutions.  Therefore, it is important to make a decision about quitting.

Remember You Live with Environment Created by Your Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

New Year's Wake-Up Call

On New Year's Eve, your New Year's Resolutions were the result of a Wake-Up Call. 

Even if you make superficial, self assessments before the clock struck the entrance of the New Year, your New Year's Resolutions probably reflected a desire, a need or a need to take care of yourself differently.

For many people, their New Year's Resolutions were based upon a very accurate and painful analysis of their lives.  For some, keeping their New Year's Resolutions is a matter of life or death; or a matter of personal growth or stagnation.

Every day throughout the new year, we will have many Wake-Up Calls.  Frequent Wake-Up Calls are necessary for us to successfully achieve our New Year's Resolutions,

You may not have identified much of your experience as a Wake-Up Call.  Oftentimes, Wake-Up Calls are mis-understood as problems, weaknesses, symptoms, or character deficiencies. 

When we feel too tired, too sore, two weak, too depressed, too anxious, too stressed, too conflicted, and too whatever, these are our Wake-Up Calls.  What most people perceive as excuses to remain in our comfort zone and justify their failure to achieve New Year's Resolutions, really function as Wake-Up Calls to ensure that you will successfully achieve your New Year's Resolutions.

Every day throughout the New Year, you will have frequent Wake-Up Calls.  Don't miss them.  Interpret specific Wake-Up Calls as your trustworthy signal for taking care of yourself by actualizing New Year's Resolutions.

The more you ignore your Wake-Up Calls, the more you will receive more Wake-Up Calls.  Don't misperceive your Wake-Up Calls as excuses to fail, symptoms, problems or weaknesses.

Remember, You Live within the Environment Created by Your Choices!  Your choices on daily basis will determine whether you succeed or fail in achieving your New Year's Resolutions!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

Nothing Is As Bad As It Seems!

On September 16, 2007 I wrote this post at the North Star Mental Fitness Blog.  As I read it again, I realize that it is very pertinent and relevant to today's economic climate.  Therefore, I chose to publish it again.

"Nothing is as good as it seems.  Nothing is as bad as it seems.  Reality is somewhere in between."  Lou Holtz made this statement in talking about Notre Dame's dismal start to the 2007 season.

There is no doubt that Notre Dame has played poorly this year.  Lou Holtz is a veteran coach.  What a wonderful message to give to a struggling team.  "Nothing is as bad as it seems" is a message of hope and encouragement.

Too often we engage in catastrophic thinking.  Life sometime seems so overwhelming.  We struggle to cope with the recurring stresses in our lives.  We feel stuck in circumstances that seem overbearing.  We tried everything and nothing seems to work.  We feel defeated.  Personality conflicts endure. Misunderstandings and insensitivities abound.  Losses in life accumulate.  Maybe it's a job loss or declining health.  Maybe it's a death of someone close to you.  Maybe it's an illness of a child or family member.  Maybe its financial or spiritual.  Maybe it's called midlife crisis, divorce, bankruptcy or an illness.

We are convinced it's as bad as it seems.

Last week almost everyone was convinced that the University of Michigan's football team was as bad as it seemed.  Yesterday, they won convincingly.  They were led to victory by their mentally tough halfback, Michael Hart.  Michael Hart was convinced that the University of Michigan football team was not as bad as it seemed and he promised a victory against Notre Dame.

Michael Hart's belief in his team, mental fitness, confidence, and courage turned the erroneous conclusion "it's as bad as it seems" into "its not as bad as it seems".

I hope it is reassuring for you to realize when you are stretched to the breaking point and emotionally devastated "it's not as bad as it's seems ". There will be solutions.  There will be sufficient inner strength.  There are people who will care and be there for you.  There are solutions inside of yourself to solve your problems.  Look inside of yourself rather than expecting others to change.  Rally your resources and realize tomorrow's a different day. 

What you do today, may work tomorrow as tomorrow is a different day.  What you do tomorrow can be different than what you did today.

You can go from losing to winning even after you've had significant defeats and losses.  You can remain confidence in yourself in spite of all of the problems in your life.  Courageously think and work to turn your life around.

Remember, the Law of Attraction.  How you think about your life creates your life.  When life is at it's worse, your thinking doesn't have to be at it's worst.  Think; then actively pursue with confidence and courage the way you want your life to be. 

"Nothing Is As Bad As It Seems" is a hopeful and encouraging statement for us to consider, when we are about to lose all hope and motivation.  Even regarding our current economy, might "Nothing Is As Bad As It Seems" be a better thought that a doomsday thought?

Remember, We Live within the Environment Created by Our Thoughts!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

If you want to know more about Michael Hart and his overcoming the death of her sister, please read "Do You Have the Desire to Overcome?"