Acceptance-what is acceptance?
Yesterday I had the opportunity to talk to more than one client about acceptance. The first client was struggling with depression and anger precipitated by his loss of health. For him the change in his health "was not okay"!
Another one of my clients has had a life repeatedly punctured by death. During her adolescent years, her brother committed suicide. Her husband was killed in an accident. She has recently gone through a divorce. Of all these losses, the loss of her brother has been the most difficult to accept. For her these deaths "were not okay".
Acceptance is learning how to turn "what is not okay" into "it is okay". Acceptance is a long process, not a superficial, fleeting thought.
Death is probably one of the most difficult events in our lives to accept. Especially the unexpected death or the death of a young, healthy child or adolescent. It is extremely difficult to accept the suicidal death of a loved one. Even the death of a loved, older person is difficult to accept.
It is hard to accept the harsh reality of death at the time of the death. At that time, it is often impossible to accept. Every part of us shouts out "it is not okay". Sometimes we are in denial. Sometimes we are angry, depressed, confused and lost. We blame ourselves and wish we would have done more. We must push away guilt, but it still lingers.
Much has been written about the stages of grief. The last stage is acceptance. But you might ask, what is acceptance? A simple way of knowing acceptance is to think and feel "it is okay".
My client who had lost her brother, believes she has accepted his death. She has accepted her brother's death death, although the reality of death never really leaves for very long.
She was stunned, when I asked her if her brother's death was okay. Sure although she believes she has accepted her brother's death, she couldn't say "it is okay". She needs to think about whether she can say "it is okay" that her brother died. She really needs to think about whether "it is okay" that he died by killing himself.
Acceptance and serenity, which are generated by progressing through the steps of grief, can lead us to say "it is okay", when we have lost a loved one no matter what the circumstances are. "It is okay" does not minimize the importance of the deceased person to us. Rather it signifies our acceptance of the reality of death and our freedom from painful emotions and guilt associated with loss.
Consider the goal of being able to say "it is okay", when confronted with death and any significant loss. "It is okay "is not giving in and being weak. Quite the contrary, we are strong when we can accept the painful reality of death and set a goal to live our life to the fullest.
It does not matter that the nature of the losses. It could be the losses associated with aging, illness, unemployment, divorce or retirement. We must learn to turn "it is not okay" to "it is okay"! We must realize that acceptance is the beginning of life and of growth.
Remember, We Live Within the Environment Created by Our Choices and Our Thoughts!
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