Toxic Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a wonderful virtue.  As indicated in my previous blog, Forgiveness Is a Choice, there can be health and psychological benefits from forgiving people whose behavior has been harmful or disrespecting.  We have choices to feel angry or hurt.  We also can make the choice to forgive.

Forgiveness also can be very toxic to one's health.  Forgiveness becomes toxic, when forgiveness is part of a dysfunctional relationship.  Forgiveness becomes toxic, when forgiveness prevents or replaces constructive action to improve the quality of one's life.  Sometimes it feels safer to forgive someone rather than to confront another person or drastically change one's life.

Let me explain the importance of feeling angry and hurt.

Feeling hurt and feeling angry are more than feelings.  Feeling her and feeling angry our signals.  Premature forgiveness fosters the failure to recognize the signals.

Feelings of anger and hurt are signals that we do not have what we want, what we need or there is something that we need to do to take care of ourselves.  Premature forgiveness can hide from our awareness that we do not have what we want, need or actions that are necessary to improve the quality of our lives. 

Toxic forgiveness prevents us from making changes in our lives that are necessary to improve the quality of our lives and bring genuine happiness, peace of mind, freedom and control over our lives.

Healthy forgiveness follows acknowledgment of painful emotions, making constructive actions, if necessary, to take care of ourselves and then forgiving. 

If forgiving is part of a dysfunctional dance, then it becomes toxic.  Let me use an example of alcoholism.  In a state of remorse following drinking, many alcoholics plead for forgiveness.  When they are forgiven, they return to drinking.  Forgiveness becomes part of the cycle of alcoholism. The Forgiver becomes entangled in the web of addiction and fails to make choices to care for him or herself.  This is what I mean by toxic forgiveness.  Toxic forgiveness can occur in any relationship or circumstance; not just with alcoholism.

Healthy choice making based on reading the signals of painful emotion and forgiveness provides genuine health and psychological benefits.

Remember, We Live within the Environment Created by Our Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach