What is Detached Involvement?

Every day when I am working, I look into the eyes of mothers and fathers, who are devastated emotionally because of their children's problems.  Their souls are wrenched with emotional pain and anxiety as they wonder out loud "what did I do wrong"?  How could their child turn out the way their child is?

Guilt and sadness fill their hearts and control their minds.  It's much deeper than wanting more for your children than they are or have.  It's being aware that your children have made bad decisions and feeling responsible for your children's inability to make better decisions.

At Intensive Care for the Nurturer's Soul, Hueina Su, MS, BSN, CEC gave a prescription for avoiding parental guilt for children's misfortunes.  She called it "detached involvement". 

I loved Hueina's ability to capture the essence of parenting.  She wrote:

"We love our children and wish nothing but the best for them. We try to be the best parents we could be, and try to teach our children to be a great person. We try to instill the moral and core values such as love, respect, integrity, honesty, courtesy, work ethic, compassion, etc. However, in order to keep your sanity and peace of mind, you have to understand and accept that no matter how much you love your children, your children are separate and independent human beings from you. Despite your best intention and parenting efforts, your children may or may not turn out the way you would like them to be. Your children have free will and their own mind. You cannot control anyone's thoughts, feelings and/or behaviors. All you can control is yourself."

Then she went on to explain what she means by "detached involvement in the role of a parent ".  Detached involvement

"does not mean that you withhold your love, affection, or parenting efforts for your children. It means that you do your best to love and raise your children, but, be detached from the outcome."

I remember a professor trying to make the same point.  He emphasized teachers were responsible for teaching and students were responsible for learning.  Similarly, parents are responsible for parenting and children of sufficient age, especially adult children, are responsible for their decision-making.

From a mental fitness perspective, we must learn to value our parenting and feel good about the skills, compassion and wisdom we have shown in parenting.  We must learn to feel good about ourselves as parents even when we differ from the standards are opinions of others.  We must learn to validate ourselves as parents even when our children appear to have failed to benefit from our parenting of them.

In my E-Book, I Live within Environment Created by My Choices, I have presented a three step process for parents to follow in parenting children in order to turn parental anxiety, guilt and painful emotions into happiness and peace of mind, even when children make bad decisions or bad things happen to our children. 

When bad things happen to our children or children make bad choices, we always will be concerned and empathetic.  We must avoid feeling responsible for causing, controlling, and fixing our children's problems.  We must not make our children's burdens more difficult to work through by adding our guilt and anxiety onto their shoulders.

Remember, We Live within Environment Created by Our Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

Comments

[Sherry]

Ok. I understand about the part "detachted involvement." We as parents are not perfect, no matter how hard we try. We all want the best for them, but young adults are always going to make their own decisions, wheather we like it or not. I have always told my children as far back as I can remember that no matter what their situation may be, I am their Mom and I will never leave them emotionally, or any other way. I used to tell myself when they were in the terrible teenage period that I couldn't wait till they turned 18, they would move away and at last a little piece for the parents. Not so, I have found. They are just bigger problems. Non the less I can never abandon my kids, unless it were something awful,;eg murder, dui's, really devestating things. They would have to pay the price for such things, But I would still love them and be there for them when they need me. I have always tried to pick the worst things to deal with, in other words don't sweat the smaller things. As for guilt, well I also feel a little guilt is a good dose of medicine. I may not be right, but above all I know my "young men" have commpassion, they are smart, and they know right from wrong. I learned it is okay to let your kids, in our situation, to let them know when they were breaking my heart, and how worried it made me. If that is a guilt trip I have layed on them, so be it. They are compassionate kids and hard workers, they just had to move away and grow up, without me, but have taken with them what I have tried to instill in them. Yes, they still ask for help, usually money, but they appear to be doing the right things with it. If I learn different they would not even think to call me for more as they know when they have screwed up. Our kids are always our kids, no matter what.

[Hueina Su - Intensive Care for the Nurturer's Soul]

Hi Dr. Hal:

Thanks so much for quoting my article. I recently posted a video of my TV interview "C.P.R. for Balance", sharing tips for creating life balance and inner peace. I think your readers will benefit from watching it. I'd appreciate any feedback. Thanks!

http://blog.beyondhorizoncoaching.com/2008/05/my-tv-interview-cpr-for-balance-on.html

Warm Regards,
Hueina