The Power of Perception

Last night I talked to a couple about their perceptions of each other.  They had been married for many years before she filed for divorce.  Instead of divorcing they want to improve their satisfaction in their marriage.  Talking about their problems and their feelings has not been bringing them closer together.

Last night, I asked them to consider the power of their perceptions.  Since I have known them for a while, I know both of them are very nice people, responsible, committed to each other, but really different.

Yet their dissatisfaction and lack of closeness weighs heavy on both of them.  I shared with them my observations that the problems in their relationship are caused more by their perceptions of each other rather than by the reality of how both of them are.

I ask you as I asked them:  Should your perceptions of your loving relationships be realistic?

Should your perceptions of your relationship with your significant other be consistent with your past interactions and thus realistically based?  What does recent research show?

Chris from Mixing Memory had a very interesting post on Motivated Cognition in Relationships, or How Motivated Cognition Can Save Your Marriage.  Finchman and Bradbury studied 130 couples for 12 months regarding perception and marital satisfaction.  Research from Murray also was discussed.  Some of their findings were:

1.  Marital dissatisfaction decreases with increasing awareness of one's partners faults.

2.  "Realism and satisfaction make poor bedfellows".

3.  "Satisfied participants interpreted bad stuff as being caused by the situation, and positive stuff as being caused by their romantic partners".

4. "The perceptions of the dissatisfied were more negative than reality, and the perceptions of the satisfied were more positive than reIality".

5. "I suspect that it works in both directions  The more satisfied you are, the more motivated you are to see your partner in a positive light, and the more you see your partner in a positive light, the more satisfied you'll be."

6.  "The evidence that being realistic about our partners' faults is harmful to relationships is overwhelming."

The researchers are not encouraging people to be oblivious and live in denial about our partners faults and problems in relationships. 

I believe what the researchers are suggesting that it's important not to allow our partner's faults and problems to determine our perceptions of them.  Becoming obsessed and distressed over our partner's realistic faults results in perceptions of our partners that destroy relationships.

Midlife crisis may be partially the result of focusing on partner's faults and recurrent problems in relationships.  As relationships grow older, it may be natural for relationships to be characterized more by the partner's problems and unresolved issues rather than by successes  We do know dwelling on problems and destroy happiness and create depression.

Focusing on partner's problems and the current, unresolved problems in the interaction between two people eventually generates dissatisfaction, aversive perceptions of the partner, depression and emotional divorce.

Focusing on the partner's strengths, good times in the relationship and loving, committed core of the relationship eventually generates satisfaction, satisfying perceptions of the partner, happiness and emotional closeness.

The law of positive attraction has a corollary, the law positive perception. 

I believe your perception of your partner is stronger than the personality of your partner in determining your satisfaction or lack of satisfaction in your relationships. 

Remember, You Live within the Environment Created by Your Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

Comments

[Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker]

Thought provoking article. Thanks.