"I thought everything was fine, then it's gone". Her statement struck me as I felt her pain. Her eyes welled up with tears. She was empty, sad and hurt. Recent joy in their marriage was crushed under the pain of her husband's drinking again.
She went on to say "I knew he had been drinking". He lied about his drinking. He had another blackout. He didn't recall calling her names or the hurtful things he said to her in his rage. What he said, haunted her.
She had experienced that thought before. It was when she heard about her parent's divorce. The thought echoed in her mind, "I thought everything was fine, then it's gone".
I realized very quickly that this woman had verbalized what we've all experienced in our lives. Haven't we all thought "everything is fine" and "then it's gone"?
Everything is sometimes a relationship separated by death, divorce and unresolved conflict. Everything is sometimes the loss of physical or mental health. Everything is sometimes children leaving home. Everything is sometimes the loss of a job, standard of living or adequate finances. Everything could mean anything that's meaningful and precious to you.
I have recently been blogging about the University of Chicago study, Does Divorce Make People Happy... Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages. In that study 64% of people coped with problems such as alcoholism. They turned unhappy marriages into happy marriages over a five-year period of time.
I wondered to myself, how can I help this couple turn their unhappiness into happiness; so the problem with alcoholism doesn't turn their marriage into a divorce. They both had been working hard to improve their relationships. I couldn't allow "I thought everything was fine, then it's gone" run havoc in their lives and turn their marriage into a divorce.
I asked her to finish her thought. She was silent. I asked her if I could give her a suggestion. She said yes. I suggested that she finished her thinking this way:
"I thought everything was fine. Then it's gone. Now I'll (we'll) make everything fine again".
She admitted that her relationship with her parents and her parents are fine, now. She seemed empowered by my completing her thought.
No matter what is gone from your life, commit to make your life fine again.
Remember, You Live within the Environment Created by Your Choices!
Dr. Hal
Life and Mental Fitness Coach
What a important story to share. Something is only over if we let and we give up the fight. I hope everything works out for that couple.
Here via the carnival of family life.
Posted by: Lisa | February 19, 2007 at 10:50 AM
What a important story to share. Something is only over if we let and we give up the fight. I hope everything works out for that couple.
Here via the carnival of family life.
Posted by: Lisa | February 19, 2007 at 10:51 AM
Thankyou for sharing this with us, I too hope everything works out for that couple. Here via CFL
Posted by: Samantha | February 19, 2007 at 01:58 PM
Heard those words many times when I practiced family law. Frequently, my client discovered an affair and decided to terminate the marriage. With rare exceptions, I agreed that the marriage should end once I met the spouse.
I'm here from the Carnival, too.
Posted by: JHS | February 19, 2007 at 04:06 PM
I'm a big believer that anything worth having is worth working/fighting for. I also think the power we each have can't be overstated. I liked the way you turned it into her completing her thought and thus helping her see her own power to continue on. Great article.
Hugs,
Holly
Holly's Corner
Here via the Carnvial of Family Live ;o)
Posted by: Holly Schwendiman | February 26, 2007 at 03:56 PM