My Disquiet

My disquiet began in my childhood.  The roots of my disquiet were planted in my childhood unwittingly by my parents, schools, churches, and well-meaning organizations.  My parents and all of these well-meaning organizations cared about me and wanted me to grow into a well-balanced, responsible, happy, successful person. So what went wrong?

Looking back over my life I realized my parents, and especially the church were determined to teach, preach and funnel me into a responsible person who would do the "right thing" in all situations, with all people and at all times.   There was always the pressure of guilt and condemnation, if I was different than what others wanted me to be.   I felt the need to be "perfect" and to please people at all costs.

I became a responsible person, for which I will always be in gratitude to my parents, teachers and preachers.  As a child my disquiet began, because the process of learning to be responsible damaged and discounted my inner me. 

Socialization and teaching children are very necessary for children to develop into healthy, responsible and well-adjusted individuals.  Unfortunately, I and many others have been over socialized.  We learned to be responsible by conforming, and "giving in" to the expectations of others. 

Perhaps it was overzealous teaching interacting with my childish thinking that "I had to get it right all the time" that diminished and dimmed the inner me.  When I was socialized, "children were to be seen and not heard".  Everything was okay as long as children talked and acted in the right way!

Inside me, I had and have wonderful thoughts, insights, feelings and dreams. I learned to nurture the inner and real me, while concealing the real me from others.  This began my disquiet.  A process was started that is difficult to stop. 

As I grew up the inner me was not accepted or validated.  I felt like I didn't fit, while everybody thought I was comfortable, because I acted like my hands fitted perfectly the gloves of their expectations.

Dave Schoof of The Disquiet in Men believes that the disquiet is more a manly than womanly thing.  I agree with him that men have more awareness of their disquiet.  I believe that women have also experienced the disquiet.  More women than men, I believe, bury their disquiet deeper in their unconscious minds by always pleasing others.  Other women, I believe, are very in tune and live their lifes expressing their inner selves.

Dave asked me what I do to quiet my disquiet?  When he interviewed me, I forgot to tell him about my wife.  She amazed me.  She accepted me.  She validated me.  She was excited about my wonderful thoughts, insights, feelings and dreams.  She quieted my disquiet and still has the power to do so.

This is what I want and need to do to reduce my disquiet:

• Talk about the inner me with my wife and those who accept me;
• Don't put people who accept me into the category of those who don't;
• Don't share my inner self with those who don't care;
• Don't work or associate with people who only are concerned about their expectations;
• Have the courage to live my life according to my expectations;
• Express my inner life in my relationships, activities and goals;
• Listen to music;
• Make time for play, fun and relationships.

I don't want to convey that I am "perfect" in reducing my disquiet.  Sometimes, I am very successful and at other times I'm not.  I must learn to recognize my disquiet as a call for actively applying one of my solutions for reducing my disquiet or for caring for me.  I can only have happiness, peace of mind, freedom and control over my life, when I am connected to the real me and those who care.

I know I Live within the Environment Created by My Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

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Comments

[Dave]

Thanks again for the interview Dr Hal. Sharing your story will help a lot of people out there. I wrote about your blog post on my blog today.
Best,
Dave