Pleasing others almost killed her. She was a hard-working mother surrounded by needy people. She was a middle-class woman who saved her money frugally. She bought her clothes and furniture at Goodwill.
When I met her, she was very depressed. She felt like a failure. She was withdrawn with classical symptoms of depression. Physically she was not feeling well. She verbalized, "I don't care". She had stopped taking medications for diabetes and high blood pressure.
She was not depressed, because she shopped at Goodwill. She was depressed and stopped taking her medication, because she couldn't help her family.
In her own words she said, "I allowed myself to be trapped, because I always try to please others. I needed to take care of myself. It was like digging my grave, going deeper and deeper; to the point that I was not taking my medication for diabetes and high blood pressure. I didn't care!"
This woman was trying to please her grown sons. Her grown sons were unemployed and unmotivated to find employment. One son chose to use marijuana rather than becoming self-sufficient. Another son had brushes with the criminal justice system and also was going nowhere in his life.
She also is remarried. Her husband was retired, unmotivated to work around the house or even make decisions about his son. His son was a thief, who blatantly stole from her. Her husband made her feel guilty for not caring about his son, when she didn't want the stepson to live in their home.
There was even more. She had an unemployed sister and brother with substance-abuse problems. Because her sister had children, she found herself giving and giving to her sister.
Having been raised in a very poor family, she wanted her family to have a better life. My client provided housing for all of these "helpless and unmotivated" family members. She bought houses for all these family members at tax sales.
None of her family members were appreciative. None of her family members took good care of the houses provided for them by her. None of her family members were becoming independent and self-sufficient. They all continued to turn to her with empty hands, wanting more and more. No matter how much she gave, it was never enough.
She was digging her own grave, because she was driven, obsessed and failing in pleasing others and motivating them to take care of themselves. She realized pleasing others was not helping them, and in reality, only made them more dependent on her.
Taking care of herself was foreign to her. She had to work through guilt, because taking care of herself seemed selfish when others were in need.
She began to emerge from her depression and pleasing others. She began taking her medications and her health improved, because she changed her life motive from "pleasing others" to "taking care of herself!"
It wasn't easy for her, but she persisted in making decisions to take care of herself rather than others! Today, she can say no to family members without guilt. She is living her life with greater happiness, peace of mind freedom and self-control.
Remember, You Live within the Environment Created by Your Choices!
Dr. Hal
Life and Mental Fitness Coach
The greatest gift we can give someone else is the gift of our expectation in their own success. It is a better gift to Empower others to live their best life rather than enable others to self-destruct as this woman did.
Posted by: Karen Lynch | December 19, 2006 at 05:02 PM
Karen,
Thank you for your empowering solution for this woman. Too often anxiety regarding family members leads to trying to take care of them rather than empowering them to take care of themselves. In an earlier blog I wrote about reducing "parental anxiety" by thinking and communicating to family members "I have confidence in you," which is am empowering message.
Posted by: Dr Ha; | December 19, 2006 at 11:43 PM